I’m going to be completely honest with you, I really wasn’t sure what to write the blog about this week and to tell you the truth at points I was considering just jacking it in. We’ve been in the depths of a challenging spell (to put it mildly) with baby/toddler and the last couple of weeks and the weeks to come are going to make it even more on the tough side. A couple of weeks ago one of her ‘interesting’ developments was that she decided she didn’t want to sit in her high chair for lunch (*rolls eyes*) When did that become a ‘thing’?! And then doesn’t want her usual foods. Which makes lunch a ‘fun’ game of ‘what will baby eat?’. Carrot sticks today? Toast? Sausage? She likes blueberries today. She hates blueberries today- which all usually end up on the floor (*rolls eyes* again). So going through this routine every day for over a week, you can understand why my nerves are in shreds and I’m exhausted from the sudden broken nights again.
In myself, I feel in a state of limbo/purgatory. We have a toddler who can’t yet communicate (words like ‘woof’, duck impressions and ‘ga-ga’ aren’t really that useful) and yet is putting demands on us 24/7 which inevitably makes me desperate for some ‘time off’. She points to things and grunts and usually she’s not allowed said thing (a glass or my phone…), or just walks around crying and I just don’t know how to help!?- no amount of ‘Row row row your boat’ or ‘See the bunnies sleeping…’ is going to make a dent. Husband is in a crazy hectic time with work and I am so keen to get a job and put baby in nursery for a couple of days, but so far the job search and applications have been fruitless (today I had yet another rejection email ‘sorry you haven’t been shortlisted…’ blah…). So therefore the days and ideals of being a full-time parent and being ‘fine’ with it seem to be fading away. Of course we have moments of complete joy and she just loves tickles and kisses at the moment and will even toddle over to me shouting ‘cuggle’ (cuddle) colliding with my legs until I pick her up…so it’s not all bad and I do need to remind myself of that. But it would be great if baby learnt the whole English language sharpish.
I do now envy the mums who managed to go back to work easily into their same jobs but part-time and the ones who got a choice to go gradually back into a job they enjoy a few days a week, and then spend the few days they have with baby relishing in the tantrums and challenges, knowing that the next couple of days they would be in a baby-free zone of an office or similar. Ah the dream of a ‘day off’ in the workplace and the sweet free hours of commuting. (One of my earlier blogs ‘To work or not to work…’ explains a bit more as to why I’m not one of those lucky few.)
So bring on the job search (which has been going on since October…) I’m finding it difficult to find a job which uses my skills, something that I would enjoy, that would pay enough for childcare and isn’t too far from home. I’m going round in circles looking at jobs in the Theatre world (part-time doesn’t seem to exist..?!) and then changing my mind and looking at anything, even cafes and shops. I just know I’d find those kind of jobs difficult to find exciting, but then with baby at home, isn’t that enough for now? But then why should I lump for just ‘enough’? (If anyone has any ideas please send me a message.)
So off I go again, back on the job vacancy internet trails while baby naps, and while I’m at it search for things for us to go and do next week while I full-time parent with not a Single. Hour. Off. Wish me luck! Or should I say, tell me to ‘break a leg’! And off we go again, venturing into the unknown…